Living on the Roller Coaster

When it comes to raising kids with special needs, I might know a few things about it.  It's possible I might even have a few things worth sharing.  But if there's one lesson I've learned well--get off the roller coaster, smile and wave at them from the platform, and let them ride alone!  Today, I realized I'm riding the health roller coaster and I'm pretty much putting it out there--I stink at it getting off it.  Not even kinda'.  I truly, truly stink at it.

Today was a good day.  I got up before 9 am, showered (ok--it was a REALLY good day!), took my schload of vitamins, drank my sludge and was ready to go.  I actually drove into town, enjoyed a wonderful morning with a friend, and then came back home, picked up my kids from school, picked up more veggies for sludge, and then arrived home around 4:30.  This was truly one of my biggest days in many, many moons.  I was tired when I got home, so laid down on the couch.  And couldn't get up.  Period.  No gas for any reason.  The house could have burned down and I would have hoped someone could drop me a glass of water to sip from.  Not to worry!  My brain was still happy!

I was on top of the world--so excited, feeling like I was going to beat this thing.  Enter reality.  A few short moments later.  My brain turned off, too.  As in couldn't remember, couldn't put two words together, couldn't think what I needed to do next.  All I could obsess over was "when do I get to sleep?" I thought I had rounded the corner on that one.

Then I read a horrible headline that came across my news feed.  An 8 year old girl who committed suicide.  She hung herself on a barb wire fence.  I couldn't deal with it.  I wondered how she even knew how to do that.  I wonder what things she saw at home or was exposed to there.  I hated myself for thinking about that way when its more probable that her parents were devastated and in agony.  I wondered what would make an 8 year old want to do that?  I have a short memory.  I already know because my child went through that.  Suddenly, my exhaustion and the length of my day overwhelmed me and I couldn't see the sun anymore.  I started to cry.  Not just for her, but for her mother, my child, myself, all the hurt children in this world.

I received a text from my sister.  "Don't dwell on the negative, stay positive!"  And there I was, seeing myself on the roller coaster again.  Its a constant struggle for me:  staying focused on the positive so that the negative doesn't mess with my mind.  I'm not back yet tonight.  I'm still down there trying to climb out.  Even writing hasn't fixed this.  What I really want to do is cry and cry and cry.