Seems like there have been a few more days lately when I am discouraged. This morning I was unable to get up until 10:00 am. I showered, then fell back in bed because my arms and legs were shaking so hard I couldn't hold myself up. They are propped up on pillows so I can type. This breaks my heart--but I had a busy day yesterday, and so today, tomorrow, and possibly Sunday, I will be recovering. Its kind of how it works. Had I paced myself better, I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be laying here ready to cry.
It kind of makes me think about life in general. I'm thinking out loud on this one, so to speak. We have this whole set of expectations of things that we're supposed to be and supposed to be doing. Who decided that exactly? Who decided that to be a good mother I had to be a Domestic Goddess, Chauffeur to Many Good Activities, be a Molly Mormon at church, a Sexy Siren to my husband and whatever else I'm "supposed" to do perfectly? When did I buy into that? Really--they aren't happening and certainly not all at once. I know people who are these things--but that ship sailed for me years ago; which had absolutely nothing to do with being sick. I just wasn't. And the secret truth is--I don't want to be. Since autoimmune diseases are made worse by stress, I think its a pretty safe bet that my body has just decided to quit. And there's not a thing I can do about it except do my best on whatever level that is.
I started thinking about this differently for the first time years ago when my older sister said "You know--you can have a perfectly clean home or you can have happy kids--you can't have both." Later, my Mom came to visit. She said "Honey--you are the best housekeeper out of all the girls." I was so proud till I thought about it. The best housekeeper? That's what I was known for? Not a great Mom or wife, or a fun person, or even for my brain (seriously a stretch, but you get my point). A good housekeeper. I started changing a little at a time, but I have never mastered that. Later on, that same sister told me I was such a fun Mom--and she wished she could be more like that. If she only knew. I'm not like that naturally. I have to think "if I were a fun Mom, what would I do?" Because really, my natural Mom instinct is to ask them to rub my feet, very, very silently and then sit in time out. Fun for me. For them--not so much.
The most serious side effect of being LDS (a Mormon) with a Jewish heritage is that when I don't do all these things, I must have Guilt. Guilt is cellular. It's inherited by my Jewish roots and perfected by my LDS religion. NO ONE does Guilt better than this combo. Its an art, really. A thing of beauty to be proud of. There's an old story about a nice Jewish Mama who buys her son two ties for his birthday. He comes dressed ready to go in one of them to honor her. She looks at him and says "what's the matter--you didn't like the other one?" To be truly great, Guilt should have added as an aside, and sighing to no one in particular "see how I suffer?"
My sisters and I laugh about Guilt and apply this type liberally. But there is another Guilt. The one that eats away at your insides because you aren't pretty enough, smart enough, spiritual enough, sexy enough, nurturing enough, Anything enough. Added to this is the list of sins. I swear (really, I grew up milking cows. Find me someone who did that who doesn't). I yell at my children on occasion. I do not have a marriage where my kids have never heard me fight. Granted, its more like bickering, but still not like my parents. I forget family prayer, family home evening, scripture reading and other things I'm never supposed to forget. We owe money to people (we will repay) because we lost everything we had--more than once--and I can't stop thinking about how that affects their lives. I once told a huge lie in high school I have never forgiven myself for. Never mind that I'm probably the only one who remembers it. Once a respite kid told me she hated me and no one liked me. I told her no one liked her either, but that didn't stop us from caring. Who says that?! I called a lady in the grocery store a B#$@& for making racial comments about my son. OK, part of me is unrepentant on that one since she was in fact, acting like the aforementioned label but no excuse for my response. I don't take my kids to every activity at church, school or in the community. I haven't taught the younger ones to work like I did the older ones. Part of that is their abilities; part of it is I'm tired. And the one I'm still the most ashamed of--I told my sister where to go once when we were growing up. I cringe every time I think of that. Guilt. Eating away for sins I committed years ago. For things I do now. It's like acid to your soul.
And to make it all worse--we compare. We compare our worst to everyone else's best. I come from a family of truly great people. Who married truly great people. Who do truly great things. Not the things everyone knows about. I'm talking about great providers, fathers, mothers, sisters and wives--the things that really matter. I'm talking about people whose greatest sins are far less than mine. It doesn't matter if they were in action bigger or smaller than mine--they have learned to forgive: themselves and others. They truly are heroic to me. Quietly living lives of goodness doing the most important things in life. Why can't I learn this lesson of forgiveness and goodness? Sometimes I think that goodness gene just skipped right on by. I can guarantee you not one of my sisters ever called someone in the grocery store a name or told a kid they weren't particularly well liked. I also don't think they dressed up like a tampon for Halloween. (Note--I'm not saying I did that. Really.) I'm also pretty sure they are more humble-- truly humble, not debasing. I'm still whacking and flailing away at life--like that chicken we butchered in the yard years ago that missed its head but didn't know it. I really thought I'd be a better person with more figured out at this point in my life. I remember my parents at my age--they seemed so much more together. If I were completely honest, I'd have to say they were. But if I focus on these things, I can't win. Surely that's not how its supposed to be--to never be enough.
So who decided that to be a good person I had to do all those things? Where is this written? But we all do it and we all accept that this is how its supposed to be. I think we're running around trying to be everything we can be to the point where we aren't doing the most important things. Its not even bad choices between bad things--just between too many worthwhile. Dallin H. Oaks said it best when he said we need to choose between "good, better and best." (Good, Better, Best) What is my best? Not my perfect, but my best use of the time, abilities and resources that I currently have. I haven't gotten that down, obviously--I'm in bed writing this. But I think its one of those little blessing lessons I can learn here. I don't have to buy into that Super Achiever People Franchise. I don't have to let others decide. Distractions have got to be one of the most powerful weapons of the adversary today--if we are too busy, too important, too plugged in, how can we feel His spirit and the promptings that come? How can we teach and love and notice those around us? And when we buy into it, we let ourselves erode.
So now, I've come full circle, I guess. I can't do it. I can't do what others expect, and I certainly can't do what I expect. I once had to reassess what it meant to be a good mother--it was a process that took a long time. If I used the definitions I had used previously, in our unique family situation, I would surely be a failure. I am sad because I am not a truly great person/mother/wife/sister/daughter, actually. I remind myself of Scarlett O'Hara when she said "I always meant to be more like Mother." You can fill in any name in place of "Mother" in that quote and it sums it up for me. I think what gives me the most hope is this: the Savior said that the two greatest commandments are to "Love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself." (Matthew 22: 37-39 KJV) Later, is the story in the New Testament where Christ is speaking to Simon. Simon has his knickers in a knot because Christ is letting a woman, a well-known sinner (I totally get her), wash his feet with oil. He criticizes the Savior for allowing that--as if the Savior in true humility should elevate himself above others. Christ tells him a story about two debtors whose debts are forgiven--one owes much more than the other (say me and my husband vs the US or Greece). He asks Simon which one loves the creditor more and Simon, being a genius, answers that of course, the one who owed more money. Personally, I think it might possibly be the other way around. The one who owed less probably could afford less...but the Savior agrees with Simon the Lofty. But then Christ tells Simon "Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little." (Luke 7:47 KJV) I put a lot of hope in that--my sins are many. I don't get too many things right. But I try to love and care about others. And I hope the Savior will forgive me much because I loved much. Regardless of whether or not I got much else right.
It kind of makes me think about life in general. I'm thinking out loud on this one, so to speak. We have this whole set of expectations of things that we're supposed to be and supposed to be doing. Who decided that exactly? Who decided that to be a good mother I had to be a Domestic Goddess, Chauffeur to Many Good Activities, be a Molly Mormon at church, a Sexy Siren to my husband and whatever else I'm "supposed" to do perfectly? When did I buy into that? Really--they aren't happening and certainly not all at once. I know people who are these things--but that ship sailed for me years ago; which had absolutely nothing to do with being sick. I just wasn't. And the secret truth is--I don't want to be. Since autoimmune diseases are made worse by stress, I think its a pretty safe bet that my body has just decided to quit. And there's not a thing I can do about it except do my best on whatever level that is.
I started thinking about this differently for the first time years ago when my older sister said "You know--you can have a perfectly clean home or you can have happy kids--you can't have both." Later, my Mom came to visit. She said "Honey--you are the best housekeeper out of all the girls." I was so proud till I thought about it. The best housekeeper? That's what I was known for? Not a great Mom or wife, or a fun person, or even for my brain (seriously a stretch, but you get my point). A good housekeeper. I started changing a little at a time, but I have never mastered that. Later on, that same sister told me I was such a fun Mom--and she wished she could be more like that. If she only knew. I'm not like that naturally. I have to think "if I were a fun Mom, what would I do?" Because really, my natural Mom instinct is to ask them to rub my feet, very, very silently and then sit in time out. Fun for me. For them--not so much.
The most serious side effect of being LDS (a Mormon) with a Jewish heritage is that when I don't do all these things, I must have Guilt. Guilt is cellular. It's inherited by my Jewish roots and perfected by my LDS religion. NO ONE does Guilt better than this combo. Its an art, really. A thing of beauty to be proud of. There's an old story about a nice Jewish Mama who buys her son two ties for his birthday. He comes dressed ready to go in one of them to honor her. She looks at him and says "what's the matter--you didn't like the other one?" To be truly great, Guilt should have added as an aside, and sighing to no one in particular "see how I suffer?"
My sisters and I laugh about Guilt and apply this type liberally. But there is another Guilt. The one that eats away at your insides because you aren't pretty enough, smart enough, spiritual enough, sexy enough, nurturing enough, Anything enough. Added to this is the list of sins. I swear (really, I grew up milking cows. Find me someone who did that who doesn't). I yell at my children on occasion. I do not have a marriage where my kids have never heard me fight. Granted, its more like bickering, but still not like my parents. I forget family prayer, family home evening, scripture reading and other things I'm never supposed to forget. We owe money to people (we will repay) because we lost everything we had--more than once--and I can't stop thinking about how that affects their lives. I once told a huge lie in high school I have never forgiven myself for. Never mind that I'm probably the only one who remembers it. Once a respite kid told me she hated me and no one liked me. I told her no one liked her either, but that didn't stop us from caring. Who says that?! I called a lady in the grocery store a B#$@& for making racial comments about my son. OK, part of me is unrepentant on that one since she was in fact, acting like the aforementioned label but no excuse for my response. I don't take my kids to every activity at church, school or in the community. I haven't taught the younger ones to work like I did the older ones. Part of that is their abilities; part of it is I'm tired. And the one I'm still the most ashamed of--I told my sister where to go once when we were growing up. I cringe every time I think of that. Guilt. Eating away for sins I committed years ago. For things I do now. It's like acid to your soul.
And to make it all worse--we compare. We compare our worst to everyone else's best. I come from a family of truly great people. Who married truly great people. Who do truly great things. Not the things everyone knows about. I'm talking about great providers, fathers, mothers, sisters and wives--the things that really matter. I'm talking about people whose greatest sins are far less than mine. It doesn't matter if they were in action bigger or smaller than mine--they have learned to forgive: themselves and others. They truly are heroic to me. Quietly living lives of goodness doing the most important things in life. Why can't I learn this lesson of forgiveness and goodness? Sometimes I think that goodness gene just skipped right on by. I can guarantee you not one of my sisters ever called someone in the grocery store a name or told a kid they weren't particularly well liked. I also don't think they dressed up like a tampon for Halloween. (Note--I'm not saying I did that. Really.) I'm also pretty sure they are more humble-- truly humble, not debasing. I'm still whacking and flailing away at life--like that chicken we butchered in the yard years ago that missed its head but didn't know it. I really thought I'd be a better person with more figured out at this point in my life. I remember my parents at my age--they seemed so much more together. If I were completely honest, I'd have to say they were. But if I focus on these things, I can't win. Surely that's not how its supposed to be--to never be enough.
So who decided that to be a good person I had to do all those things? Where is this written? But we all do it and we all accept that this is how its supposed to be. I think we're running around trying to be everything we can be to the point where we aren't doing the most important things. Its not even bad choices between bad things--just between too many worthwhile. Dallin H. Oaks said it best when he said we need to choose between "good, better and best." (Good, Better, Best) What is my best? Not my perfect, but my best use of the time, abilities and resources that I currently have. I haven't gotten that down, obviously--I'm in bed writing this. But I think its one of those little blessing lessons I can learn here. I don't have to buy into that Super Achiever People Franchise. I don't have to let others decide. Distractions have got to be one of the most powerful weapons of the adversary today--if we are too busy, too important, too plugged in, how can we feel His spirit and the promptings that come? How can we teach and love and notice those around us? And when we buy into it, we let ourselves erode.
So now, I've come full circle, I guess. I can't do it. I can't do what others expect, and I certainly can't do what I expect. I once had to reassess what it meant to be a good mother--it was a process that took a long time. If I used the definitions I had used previously, in our unique family situation, I would surely be a failure. I am sad because I am not a truly great person/mother/wife/sister/daughter, actually. I remind myself of Scarlett O'Hara when she said "I always meant to be more like Mother." You can fill in any name in place of "Mother" in that quote and it sums it up for me. I think what gives me the most hope is this: the Savior said that the two greatest commandments are to "Love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself." (Matthew 22: 37-39 KJV) Later, is the story in the New Testament where Christ is speaking to Simon. Simon has his knickers in a knot because Christ is letting a woman, a well-known sinner (I totally get her), wash his feet with oil. He criticizes the Savior for allowing that--as if the Savior in true humility should elevate himself above others. Christ tells him a story about two debtors whose debts are forgiven--one owes much more than the other (say me and my husband vs the US or Greece). He asks Simon which one loves the creditor more and Simon, being a genius, answers that of course, the one who owed more money. Personally, I think it might possibly be the other way around. The one who owed less probably could afford less...but the Savior agrees with Simon the Lofty. But then Christ tells Simon "Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little." (Luke 7:47 KJV) I put a lot of hope in that--my sins are many. I don't get too many things right. But I try to love and care about others. And I hope the Savior will forgive me much because I loved much. Regardless of whether or not I got much else right.
Thank you for having the courage to say the things too many of us can't. May we all find ways to find our voice as you've found yours. Sharing your journey through this life you've been handed will truly bless all who chose to read. Laura
ReplyDeleteAs for me, I have decided to store a two-year supply of Guilt instead of food -- it's cheaper and I know I will use it every day. I got a head start on Guilt in my childhood years and have been on a roll lately. It's easy to come by and I have even had people give me more Guilt just to help me out. It keeps forever, serves up in seconds, and never runs out.
ReplyDeleteWhile I certainly get the Guilt thing, I'm learning to focus on letting go in my older age. I love the Tashlich service at Rosh Hashanah, where we throw our sins in the river. And I've got new tools in my toolbox for letting go of guilt that I use perfectly imperfectly today.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing that really helps me is something my dad said to me when I was an angsty teen. He told me that I was comparing my insides to other people's outsides. My guess is that when your siblings compare their insides to your outsides, they don't think they measure up either!!
Leni, Fabulous comment!
ReplyDeleteAnony, You are absolutely correct. Where in the heck my sister gets her ideas is beyond me!
I could sit here all day and write down all of my faults and sins and we both know they are many. Doesn't matter. God doesn't care about yesterday or the day before. He just cares about today and where we are headed. As for guilt and re-hashing those things of the past. That is exactly what Satan wants you to do. He's holding you captive and you need to let it go. Get off the cross so to speak. The Savior already suffered for those things. Move on. Let it go. You've fully repented, it is as if you are telling the Savior that His sacrifice isn't good enough.
I know. Easier said than done. I really need to get you this book I told you about. Do the program. I've had life changing experiences with it.
I just finished reading The Seventeen Second Miracle. I thought it was inspiring and good. I read it in one day. A quick read.
Are you still listing your blessings/tender mercies each day? Keep doing that.
Comparing ourselves to others is ridiculous. Heavenly Father doesn't and nor should you. You are right about one thing though in this post, well, two things. :D That whole pacing yourself thing. Let me know when you get that one figured out..... I'm still trying. The thing you got right is you've a huge heart full of love for others. A beautiful thing.
Love ya! Rachel